I'm back. Not like Arnold or Jesus, you retard. Back in the blogosphere. Yes, I am a dead dude. You may remember that I kicked the bucket ... or more specifically, I impaled my righteous brain on a scalpel when I was spying on the pisscat Minister of Health while she was in a drunken stupour. I know, I know, you've read all the media reports and it looks more like I was going to have my way with her in the middle of the night because I was found dead, and completely butt-naked, by a male nurse (read: raving homo). But seriously, who are you going to believe, a goddam bum-chum nurse, or me, the guy who went around teaching devil-worshipping kids on Halloween not to mess with Jesus, or worse, with Paintball Pete?
So here I am, in Hell. Well, word on the street is, this is Purgatory, but seen as I was never Catholic, I just feel this has to be Hell as there are only two places you end up after you die -- you either go to be with Jesus, the angels and the right-wing Christians who have gone before you, or you go to Hell where you get sodomised by legions of demons who all look like a cross between Ozzy Osborne and Marilyn Manson. I'm seriously hoping this is Purgatory and not the Pit. As soon as I meet a Catholic, I'll know ...
Ever since the scalpel incident I've been hiding in a tiny dingy room with a small computer connected to the internet, so I've been spared the demon-rape for the moment .... This can't be heaven. I've not seen a single goddam angel and all I can hear is what sounds like heavy metal music pounding in the distance like a demonic hangover from hell.
In case you hadn't figured it out, I must have fucked up. Big time! I must have pissed off God so badly, that I've landed up either half way between Heaven and Hell .... or a burning coal away from Lucifer's laboratory for the systematic torture of former fundamentalist Christians (and paintballers for Jesus). Right now, it's anyone's guess, but I was not Paintball Pete for nothing ... I'll find a way out of this hell-hole the same way I fought my way out of terrorist camps in the war zones of Africa. Or malls filled with dagga-smoking teenagers wearing 'I Love Cheeses' t-shirts.
Wait a minute, did you hear that? Of course not, you're alive and I'm dead ... but seriously, what the jesusmaryandjoseph is that god-aweful noise?
I've got to cut this post short ... the noisy racket is coming closer ... Jesus have mercy, I think I see someone shuffling around the corner who looks just like Marilyn Manson with a bottle of absinth in his goddam black-nailed hands and his pants further down his ass than a ridiculous-looking rapper ...
God, please get me out of here!
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